


Angelus Fortis Est

by HermioneHotchner1



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Adoption, Angst with a Happy Ending, New Family, Other, POV Severus Snape, Suicide, Young Severus Snape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 19:05:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13596441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HermioneHotchner1/pseuds/HermioneHotchner1
Summary: His life has never been easy. In 1976, the death of a Slytherin boy at Hogwarts will haunt the lives of all who knew him. Where will the line be drawn? Can things change?





	1. Regrets

_"The fact is the man who'd begotten me didn't want me. In his eyes, I should never have been born. And perhaps that would've been best. As it was, my existence had proven to be nothing more than a nuisance for everyone. I angered my father, brought strife upon my mother, irritated my teachers, and annoyed the other children who were forced to interact with me in school. All by simply being. When you aren't loved, you aren't real. Life is cold, like the stone against my palm."_

_**― Richelle E. Goodrich, Dandelions: The Disappearance of Annabelle Fancher** _

* * *

 

A young girl had picked up a fallen twig and twirled it in the air, and Severus knew that she was imagining sparks trailing from it. Then she dropped the twig, leaned in towards him, and said, "It is real, isn't it? It's not a joke? Petunia says you're lying te me. Petunia says there isn't a Hogwarts. It is real, isn't it?"

"It's real for us," the young boy said. "Not for her. But we'll get the letter, you and me."

"Really?" whispered Lily.

"Definitely," he said, and even with his poorly cut hair and his odd clothes, he struck an oddly impressive figure sprawled in front of her, brimful of confidence in his destiny.

"And will it really come by owl?" she whispered.

"Normally," he said, "But you're Muggle-born, so someone from the school will have te come and explain to yer parents."

"Does it make a difference, being Muggle-born?"

He hesitated. His black eyes, eager in the greenish gloom, moved over the pale face, the dark red hair.

"No," he said. "It doesn't make any difference."

"Canny Good," said Lily, relaxing: it was clear that she had been worrying.

"You've got loads of magic," he said. "I saw that. All the time I was watching you..." His voice trailed away; she was not listening, but had stretched out on the leafy ground and was looking up at the canopy of leaves overhead. He watched her as greedily as he had watched her in the playground.

"How are things at yer house?" Lily asked. A little crease appeared between his eyes.

"Fine," he said.

"They're not arguing anymore?"

"Oh, yes, they're arguing," he said. He picked up a fistful of leaves and began tearing them apart, apparently unaware of what he was doing. "But it won't be that long and I'll be gone."

"Doesn't yer dad like magic?"

"He doesn't like anything much," Severus admitted.

"Severus?"

A little smile twisted his mouth when she said his name. "Aye?"

_**He rides to school with the lunch he packed** _   
_**Nobody knows what he's holdin' back** _   
_**Wearin' the same robes he wore last year** _   
_**He hides the bruises with potions and charms** _

Severus was hurrying along the corridor of the Hogwarts Express as it clattered through the countryside. He had already changed into his school robes, had wasted no time in taking the first opportunity to take off his dreadful Muggle clothes. At last, he stopped, outside a compartment in which a group of rowdy boys were talking. Hunched in a corner seat beside the window was Lily, her face pressed against the windowpane.

He slid open the compartment door and sat down opposite Lily. She glanced at him and then looked back out of the window. She had been crying.

"I don't want te talk te you," she said in a constricted voice.

"Why not?"

"Tuney h-hates me. Because we saw that letter from Dumbledore."

"So what?"

She threw him a look of deep dislike.

"So - she's me sister!"

"She's only a—" He caught himself quickly; Lily, too busy trying to wipe her eyes without being noticed, did not hear him.

"But we're going!" he said, unable to suppress the exhilaration in his voice. "This is it! We're off te Hogwarts!"

She nodded, mopping her eyes, but in spite of herself, she half smiled.

"You'd better be in Slytherin," said Severus, encouraged that she had brightened a little.

"Slytherin?"

One of the boys sharing the compartment, who had shown no interest at all in Lily or Severus until that point, looked around at the word. He was slight, and black-haired, not unlike Severus, but with that indefinable air of having been well-cared-for, even adored, that Severus so conspicuously lacked, despite his best attempts to conceal the fact.

"Who would want to be in Slytherin? I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?" the boy asked the lad lounging on the seats opposite him. The second boy did not smile.

"My whole family have been in Slytherin," the second boy, Sirius Black, said.

"Blimey," the first boy said, "and I thought you seemed all right!"

Sirius Black grinned.

"Maybe I'll break the tradition. Where are you heading, if you've got the choice?"

James Potter, the first boy, lifted an invisible sword. "'Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart!' Like my dad."

Severus made a small, disparaging noise. James Potter turned on him.

"Got a problem with that?"

"No," said Severus, though his slight sneer said otherwise. "If you'd rather be brawny than brainy—"

"Where're you hoping to go, seeing as you're neither?" interjected Black.

Potter roared with laughter. Lily sat up, rather flushed, and looked from Potter to Black in dislike.

"Come on, Severus, let's find another compartment."

"Oooooo…"

Potter and Black imitated her lofty voice; Potter tried to trip Severus as he passed.

"See ya, Snivellus!" a voice called, as the compartment door slammed.

**_The teachers wonder but they never ask_ **   
**_It's hard to see the pain behind the mask_ **

During meals in the Great Hall, he could feel the teachers watching him. But Severus avoided eye contact with everyone as much as he could.

His thoughts turned to last week's potions lesson: Severus had dropped his textbook on the floor, and in his hurry to pick it up, his sleeve had hung on the table and was pulled up to his elbow, clearly exposing the bruises present on his arm. He had panicked and struggled to pull his sleeve down.

But when Severus looked up, he saw Professor Slughorn looking at his arm suspiciously. His eyes had moved to Severus' face, who was still looking at him anxiously.

The Potions Master had continued to study Severus for the rest of the class, but he had never made a move to question him about his bruises. Severus had kept a neutral face until he was out of sight of his teacher, and had done everything to avoid him for the rest of the day.

If only that worked as well on everyone else; especially with the Marauders...

_**Bearing the burden of a secret storm** _   
_**Sometimes he wishes he was never born** _

"Oi, Snivellus!" James Potter shouted as he crossed the yard with Sirius Black and headed for Severus, who was lying quietly under a tree.

"Damn; bloody well brilliant! Severus gritted to himself. The Marauders insisted on turning Hogwarts into the same sort of hell as back home. He couldn't even escape it here.

James Potter sent a well-aimed hex his way, scattering all Severus' books and wand, leaving him virtually helpless. Then Black levitated him over a deeper section of the lake and dropped him sharply into it.

Severus came out of it, choking and vomiting, while all around him people were laughing and pointing at him.

Potter was about to do the same when Lily ran to his side and hit him and Black square in the face.

"Are you alright, Sev?" she asked, concern in her voice, as she put her hand on his shoulder.

"I'm fine!" his exclaimed, disengaging himself from his hands and running towards the castle, grabbing the few possessions that he had managed to recover. He passed Professor Dumbledore who was on his way over, silent tears running down his cheek.

**_Through the wind and the rain_ **

**_He stands hard as a stone_ **

**_In a world that he can't rise above_ **

"…thought we were supposed to be friends?" Severus said. "Best friends?"

"We are, Sev, but I don't like some of the people you're hanging around with!" Lily replied. "I'm sorry, but I detest Avery and Mulciber! Mulciber! What do you see in him, Sev, he's creepy! D'you know what he tried to do to Mary Macdonald the other day?"

Lily had reached a pillar and leaned against it, looking up into his thin, sallow face.

"That was nothing," he said. "It was a laugh, that's all—"

"It was Dark Magic, and if you think that's funny—"

"What about the stuff Potter and his mates get up to?" he demanded. His colour rose again as he said it, unable, it seemed, to hold in his resentment.

"What's Potter got to do with anything?" said Lily.

"They sneak out at night. There's something weird about that Lupin. Where does he keep going?"

"He's ill," said Lily. "They say he's ill—"

"Every month at the full moon?" he accused.

"I know your theory," said Lily, and she sounded cold. "Why are you so obsessed with them anyway? Why do you care what they're doing at night?"

"I'm just trying to show you they're not as wonderful as everyone seems to think they are."

The intensity of his gaze made her blush.

"They don't use Dark Magic, though." She dropped her voice. "And you're being really ungrateful. I heard what happened the other night. You went sneaking down that tunnel by the Whomping Willow, and James Potter saved you from whatever's down there—"

His whole face contorted and he spluttered, "Saved? Saved? You think he was playing the hero? He was saving his neck and his friends' too! You're not going to—I won't let you—"

"Let me? Let me?"

Lily's bright green eyes were slits. He backtracked at once.

"I didn't mean—I just don't want to see you made a fool of—He fancies you, James Potter fancies you!" The words felt wrenched from him against his will. "And he's not… everyone thinks… big Quidditch hero—" His bitterness and dislike were rendering him incoherent, and Lily's eyebrows were travelling farther and farther up her forehead.

"I know James Potter's an arrogant toerag," she said, cutting across him. "I don't need you to tell me that. But Mulciber's and Avery's idea of humour is just evil. Evil, Sev. I don't understand how you can be friends with them."

Severus didn't pay particular attention to her strictures on Mulciber and Avery. The moment Lily had insulted James Potter, his whole body had relaxed, and as they walked away there was a new spring in his step…

_**But his dreams give him wings** _

Soon everyone was getting ready to take the train back home. Severus felt totally miserable, which did not go unnoticed by Lily and most everyone else. Severus was in a particularly bad mood; well, worse than usual.

However, his face never wavered from his natural stoic expression. His face did not reflect any emotions. He stayed that way the whole train ride home until he looked back sadly before he closed the car door behind him.

**_And he flies to a place where he's loved_ **

"Will I see you at King's Cross tomorrow, Sev? Lily asked. "I probably have to go home. Severus winced slightly as she took him in his arms. He quickly tried to cover it up. She couldn't know.

"Of course. Good night, Lils!" Severus said, as they made their way out of the park they frequented so often. He had unconsciously pulled on his protruding sleeves to make sure his cuts and bruises were hidden. With one last smile, Lily turned and headed for her home. Severus got up and his gaze followed her for a long time, even after she had disappeared; Then slowly, he went to his home, if one could even call it that.

As he approached the front door, he heard a burst of glass. They were fighting again.

Maybe he could get to his room without his parents noticing. With his hand on the hilt, he took a deep breath, closed his eyes, ran through the house, and went up the stairs.

He had almost made it; three steps and he would finally be in his room. Reasonably safe. Two more, and he was free. One more, and he did it. He was safe. Suddenly a hand clasped in the back of his shirt threw him against the wall next to the stairs he had just passed. He had just missed his chance, and he would pay dearly before the night was through.

_**Concrete angel** _

Severus picked up his bag, sticking his quill into it, and swinging it onto his shoulder. Making his way through the tables, towards the doors to the Entrance Hall, he picked up the examination paper and began to look it over. He immediately dismissed question one, it had been easy…

A gang of chattering girls separated him from Potter, Black and Lupin, not that Severus noticed. The group of Marauders were happily chatting away, discussing the exam.

"Did you like question ten, Moony?" asked Black as they emerged into the Entrance Hall.

"Loved it," said Lupin briskly. "Give five signs that identify the werewolf. Excellent question."

"D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" said Potter in tones of mock concern.

"Think I did," said Lupin seriously, as they joined the crowd thronging around the front doors eager to get out into the sunlit grounds. "One: he's sitting on my chair. Two: he's wearing my clothes. Three: his name's Remus Lupin."

Wormtail was the only one who didn't laugh.

"I got the snout shape, the pupils of the eyes and the tufted tail," he said anxiously, "but I couldn't think what else—"

"How thick are you, Wormtail?" said Potter impatiently. "Your best friend is one!"

Severus remained close by, still buried in his exam questions. Unbeknownst to him, when Potter and his three friends strode off down the lawn towards the lake, Severus unwittingly followed, still poring over the exam paper and apparently with no fixed idea of where he was going. Question nine had been somewhat difficult…

Moving to towards the edge of the lake, he settled himself on the grass in the dense shadow of a clump of bushes, where he would be less likely to be noticed, and where he could go over the exam paper in peace. It didn't take that much longer; most of the questions he had had no problem with…

While he was as deeply immersed in the O.W.L paper as ever, the Marauders were gathered under a nearby tree. The sunlight was dazzling on the smooth surface of the lake, on the bank of which the group of laughing girls who had just left the Great Hall were sitting, with their shoes and socks off, cooling their feet in the water.

He got up, stowing the O.W.L. paper in his bag, thinking vaguely that he might go up to the library and work on Transfiguration. He set off back up towards the castle.

As he left the shadows of the bushes and set off across the grass, just out of sight, Potter and Black stood up.

"All right, Snivellus?" asked a loud, arrogant voice.

Severus whipped around, dropping his bag and plunging his hand into the pocket of his robes for his wand. Potter was always hexing him, and he was going to hex him into an oblivious jelly. It was halfway into the air when Potter shouted, " _Expelliarmus!"_

His wand shot out of his hand, landing with a little thud in the grass behind him. Black let out a bark of laughter.

Burning with anger, Severus dove his wand.

" _Impedimenta!_ " Black said, knocking Severus off his feet.

Students all around had turned to watch. Some of them had got to their feet and were edging nearer. Some looked apprehensive, others entertained.

He lay panting on the ground. Potter and Black advanced on him, wands raised, Potter glancing over his shoulder at the girls at the water's edge as he went. Wormtail was on his feet now, watching hungrily, edging around Lupin to get a clearer view.

"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" Potter asked.

"I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment," said Black viciously. "There'll be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word."

Several people watching laughed; unsurprising, as he wasn't exactly popular. Wormtail sniggered shrilly. He was trying to get up, but the jinx was still operating on him; he was struggling, as though bound by invisible ropes.

"You-wait," he panted, staring up at Potter with an expression of purest loathing, "you- wait!"

"Wait for what?" said Black coolly. "What're you going to do Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?"

Now he was really brassed off. He let loose a stream of mixed swear words and hexes, but nothing happened. His wand lay ten feet away, totally useless.

"Wash out your mouth," said Potter coldly. " _Scourgify!_ "

Soapsuds formed in the back of his mouth. They overflowed within seconds, leaving him unable to breathe, with the pink soap bubbled streaming for his mouth. He began to gag.

"Leave him ALONE!"

Severus looked up from where I was kneeling. One of the girls who had been cooling her feet in the water of the lake was striding up to Potter and Black, looking furious. It was Lily.

Just great he didn't want her coming to his rescue like some damsel in distress.

"All right, Evans?" Potter asked; his tone of voice suddenly deeper, pleasanter, and more mature; the filthy, puffed-up show-off.

"Leave him alone," Lily repeated. She was looking at James Potter with every sign of great dislike. "What's he done to you?"

"Well," said Potter, appearing to deliberate the point, "it's more the fact that he exists if you know what I mean…"

Many of the surrounding students laughed, Black and Wormtail included, but Lupin, still apparently intent on his book, didn't, and nor did Lily. She looked furious.

"You think you're funny," she said coldly. "But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone."

"I will if you go out with me, Evans," said Potter quickly. "Go on ... go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

Behind Potter, the Impediment Jinx was wearing off. He was beginning to inch towards his fallen wand, spitting out soapsuds as he crawled.

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid," said Lily.

"Bad luck, Prongs," said Black briskly, and turned back to Severus. "OI!"

But too late; Severus had directed his wand straight at James; there was a flash of light and a gash appeared on the side of Potter's face, spattering his robes with blood. Potter whirled about: a second flash of light later, Severus was hanging upside-down in the air, his robes falling over his head to reveal skinny, pallid legs and a pair of greying underpants.

Many people in the small crowd cheered; Black, Potter and Wormtail roared with laughter.

Lily, whose furious expression had twitched for an instant as though she was going to smile, said, "Let him down!"

"Certainly," said Potter and he jerked his wand upwards; Severus fell into a crumpled heap on the ground. Disentangling himself from his robes he got quickly to his feet, wand up, but Black said, "Petrificus Totalus!" causing him to keel over again, rigid as a board.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily shouted. She had her own wand out now. Potter and Black both eyed it warily.

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," said Potter earnestly.

"Take the curse off him, then!"

Potter sighed deeply, then turned to Severus and muttered the counter-curse.

"There you go," his tormentor said, as he struggled to his feet. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus-"

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"

Lily blinked.

"Fine," she said coolly. "I won't bother in future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus."

"Apologise to Evans!" Potter roared at Severus, his wand pointed threateningly at him.

"I don't want you to make him apologise," Lily shouted, rounding on Potter. "You're as bad as he is."

"What?" Potter yelled. "I'd NEVER call you a-you-know-what!"

"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can-I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK."

She turned on her heel and hurried away.

"Evans!" Potter shouted after her. "OI, EVANS!'

But she didn't look back.

"What is it with her?" Potter said, trying and failing to look as though this was a throwaway question of no real importance to him.

"Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate," came Black's reply.

"Right," said Potter, who looked furious now, "right-"

There was another flash of light, and Severus was once again hanging upside-down in the air.

"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?"

**_Somebody cries in the middle of the night_ **

**_The neighbours hear, but they turn out the light_ **

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not interested."

"I'm sorry!"

"Save your breath."

It was nighttime. Lily, who was wearing a dressing gown, stood with her arms folded in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady, at the entrance to Gryffindor Tower.

"I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here."

"I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just—"

"Slipped out?" There was no pity in Lily's voice. "It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends—you see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?"

He opened his mouth but closed it without speaking.

"I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."

"No—listen, I didn't mean—"

"—to call me Mudblood? But you call everybody of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"

He struggled on the verge of speech, but with a contemptuous look she turned and climbed back through the portrait hole…

He didn't bother to hold back the tears threatening to fall as he made his way back down to the Slytherin dungeons.

_**A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate** _

_**When mornin' comes it'll be too late** _

He was tired. Tired of everything.

He was so sick and tired of being scared, having to act like he was fine all the time.

He just wanted to forget.

Calmly, as if he had finally been clear for months, he took a small bottle out of his pocket. He glanced at the red liquid. Hat. Without thinking, he put the vial on his lips and aim.

He immediately felt the effects of it. His heart slackened and he suppressed a shudder.

He was so cold. Weak.

Even though he wanted to ask for help, he could not.

It was now difficult to breathe.

Severus closed his eyes with a sigh of relief.

That's how they found Severus in the morning. Taurin Mulciber slept a mere two beds away from Severus, and as it happened he had woken up early. The boy had more than a little endulged himself with his mates before bed and was now paying the price. 

He had woken to absolute calm, as to be expected during the early hour. However, he hadn’t even finished himself out of bed before something caught his eye. Truth be told, he did not know what had drawn his attention towards the direction of the window. But he had taken a quick gander, nonetheless.

All that Taurin could remember was the sense of absolute horror. He’d screamed. He had woken up all the boys in the dormitory and the fifth-year girls who were sleeping just one dormitory over while shaking the dark haired boy's body. He did not notice the tears that were falling as he shouted for someone, anyone, to come and help him. He would never forget the sight of Severus' almost angelic, pale face his eyes closed with a rare soft smile clear as day.

**_A statue stands in a shaded place_ **   
**_An angel boy with an upturned face_ **   
**_A name is written on a polished rock_ **   
**_A broken heart that the world forgot_ **

Several days later, the Evans family, along with several students and staff members, stood in the cemetery and looked at the little stone that marked the boy's grave - no, the young man. Had he never really been a mere boy?

Tears were falling down Lily's eyes.

"Why didn't I ask him?" She whispered to herself. "Why did I assume everything was fine?"

These questions remained unanswered, and she bent down, placing a bouquet of oxlip on the little grave. Few people would understand the meaning, but he would understand it.

"I'm so sorry, Sev!" she sobbed. " I am so, so, sorry!"

_**Through the wind and the rain** _   
_**He stands hard as a stone** _   
_**In a world that he can't rise above** _   
_**But his dreams give him wings** _   
_**And he flies to a place where he's loved** _   
_**Concrete angel** _

* * *

 

_"Don't turn your face away._   
_Once you've seen, you can no longer act like you don't know._   
_Open your eyes to the truth. It's all around you._   
_Don't deny what the eyes to your soul have revealed to you._   
_Now that you know, you cannot feign ignorance._   
_Now that you're aware of the problem, you cannot pretend you don't care._   
_To be concerned is to be human._   
_To act is to care."_

_**― Vashti Quiroz-Vega** _


	2. Life

"We live in a world in which we need to share responsibility. It's easy to say "It's not my child, not my community, not my world, not my problem." Then there are those who see the need and respond. I consider those people my heroes."

**\- Fred Rogers**

* * *

**_Grew up in a small town_ **

**_And when the rain would fall down_ **

**_I'd just stare out my window_ **

**_Dreaming of what could be_ **

**_And if I'd end up happy_ **

**_I would pray_ **

They were at an almost deserted playground. Only one large chimney dominated the distant horizon. Two girls were rocking back and forth, and a skinny boy was looking at them behind bushes. His black hair was overlong and his clothes were so mismatched that it looked deliberate: too short jeans, a shabby, overlarge coat that might have belonged to a grown man, an odd smocklike shirt.

The boy was nine years old. And there was undisguised greed on his thin face as he watched the younger of the two girls swing higher and higher, more than her sister.

"It's obvious, isn't it?" the boy said, speaking in a rather strong northern accent. The young boy could no longer contain himself but had jumped out from behind the bushes. The older of the girls, Petunia, shrieked and ran back toward the swings, but the younger girl, Lily, though clearly startled, remained where she was. Severus, for that, was the boy's name, immediately regretted his appearance. A dull flush of colour covered the sallow cheeks as he looked at Lily.

"What's obvious?" asked the youngest, in an equally strong northern accent.

Severus was bursting with nervous excitement. With a glance at the distant Petunia, now hovering beside the swings, he lowered his voice and said, "I know what you are."

"What d'yer mean?"

"You're… you're a witch," he whispered.

Lily looked affronted. "That's not a very nice thing to say to somebody!"

She turned nose in the air and marched off toward her sister.

"No!" he said. He was highly coloured now. He flapped after the girls, looking ludicrously batlike.

The sisters considered him, united in disapproval, both holding on to one of the swing poles as though it was the safe place in tag.

"You are," said Severus, turning to Lily. "You are a witch. I've been watching you for a while. But there's nothing wrong with that. Me mum's one, and I'm a wizard."

Petunia's laugh was like cold water.

"Wizard!" she shrieked, her courage returned now that she had recovered from the shock of his unexpected appearance. "I know who you are. You're that Snape boy! They live down Spinner's End by the river," she told Lily, and it was evident from her tone that she considered the address a poor recommendation. Severus couldn't blame her really. "Why have you been spying on us?"

"Haven't been spying," said Severus, hot and uncomfortable and dirty-haired in the bright sunlight. "Wouldn't spy on you, anyway," he added spitefully, "you're a Muggle."

Though Petunia evidently did not understand the word, she could hardly mistake the tone.

"Lily, come on, we're leaving!" she said shrilly. Lily obeyed her sister at once, glaring at Severus as she left. He stood watching them as they marched through the playground gate, and Severus couldn't hide his bitter disappointment. It had all gone so wrong…

_**Trying hard to reach out** _

_**But when I tried to speak out** _

_**Felt like no one could hear me** _

_**Wanted to belong here** _

_**But something felt so wrong here** _

_**So I prayed I could break away** _

A young girl had picked up a fallen twig and twirled it in the air, and Severus knew that she was imagining sparks trailing from it. Then she dropped the twig, leaned in towards him, and said, "It is real, isn't it? It's not a joke? Petunia says you're lying te me. Petunia says there isn't a Hogwarts. It is real, isn't it?"

"It's real for us," the young boy said. "Not for her. But we'll get the letter, you and me."

"Really?" whispered Lily.

"Definitely," he said, and even with his poorly cut hair and his odd clothes, he struck an oddly impressive figure sprawled in front of her, brimful of confidence in his destiny.

"And will it really come by owl?" she whispered.

"Normally," he said, "But you're Muggle-born, so someone from the school will have te come and explain te yer parents."

"Does it make a difference, being Muggle-born?"

He hesitated. His black eyes, eager in the greenish gloom, moved over the pale face, the dark red hair.

"No," he said. "It doesn't make any difference."

"Canny Good," said Lily, relaxing: it was clear that she had been worrying.

"You've got loads of magic," he said. "I saw that. All the time I was watching you..." His voice trailed away; she was not listening, but had stretched out on the leafy ground and was looking up at the canopy of leaves overhead. He watched her as greedily as he had watched her in the playground.

"How are things at yer house?" Lily asked. A little crease appeared between his eyes.

"Fine," he said.

"They're not arguing anymore?"

"Oh, yes, they're arguing," he said. He picked up a fistful of leaves and began tearing them apart, apparently unaware of what he was doing. "But it won't be that long and I'll be gone."

"Doesn't yer dad like magic?"

"He doesn't like anything much," Severus admitted.

"Severus?"

A little smile twisted his mouth when she said his name. "Aye?"

"I don't understand?" Lily asked, recalling something she had heard from her parents the other day. Her father did not like Tobias Snape in any case, and his parents were slightly concerned about Severus. He shrugged.

"Sev?" she asked.  _If a friend is having problems at home, you can always come here or go to another adult you trust. You know that, right?_ "Why don't you come over for a snack? It's hot out, and mum made chocolate chip biscuits."

"All right," replied Severus, unsure of what to make of the situation.

 ** _I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly_  **  
**_I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky_ **

Severus was running in the corridors of the Hogwarts Express as he crossed the countryside. He had said goodbye to his foster parents of two years - Alexander and Alice Saxton - and had gone to quickly switch his muggle clothes for his new school robes.

He had changed a lot since he was nine. He had grown a lot, was not so pale, and had black, shiny hair. His nose was reset a few months ago because of Tobias Snape breaking it, and a concern for sleep apnea. So it did not seem disproportionate or out of place anymore. His eyes were a very dark brown, and he still had a softness to his face that only youth would give.

At last, he stopped, outside a compartment in which a group of rowdy boys were talking. Hunched in a corner seat beside the window was Lily, her face pressed against the windowpane.

He slid open the compartment door and sat down opposite Lily. She glanced at him and then looked back out of the window. She had been crying.

"I don't want te talk te you," she said in a constricted voice.

"Why not?"

"Tuney h-hates me. Because we saw that letter from Dumbledore."

"So what?"

She threw him a look of deep dislike.

"So - she's me sister!"

"She's only a—" He caught himself quickly; Lily, too busy trying to wipe her eyes without being noticed, did not hear him.

"But we're going!" he said, unable to suppress the exhilaration in his voice. "This is it! We're off te Hogwarts!"

She nodded, mopping her eyes, but in spite of herself, she half smiled.

"You'd better be in Slytherin," said Severus, encouraged that she had brightened a little.

"Slytherin?"

One of the boys sharing the compartment, who had shown no interest at all in Lily or Severus until that point, looked around at the word. He was slight, and black-haired, not unlike Severus.

"Who would want to be in Slytherin? I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?" the boy asked the lad lounging on the seats opposite him. The second boy did not smile.

"My whole family have been in Slytherin," the second boy, Sirius Black, said.

"Blimey," the first boy said, "and I thought you seemed all right!"

"Maybe I'll break the tradition. Where are you heading, if you've got the choice?"

James Potter, the first boy, lifted an invisible sword. "'Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart!' Like my dad."

Severus, at that statement, bit his tongue so hard he thought it might bleed. Black grinned.

"Me as well," said Black. "Honestly, I'm waiting to see the look on my family's face when I'm sorted into Gryffindor, or anywhere instead of Slytherin, really. "

The rather animated conversation between James and Sirius faded as Severus turned his attention back to Lily. She was staring out the window. "How can you both be so sure of where we will be sorted?" She asked without looking away from the moving landscape.

"We just know," James Potter said, smiling. Severus shrugged and leaned over the seat.

Severus considered it. "Everyone will be sent te the house that suits them best," said Severus, trying to get her excited about the upcoming Sorting Ceremony.

James Potter looked at them again. "I will not be sent anywhere else," he said to Severus with a slight sneer.

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Potter, please. Are you sincerely telling me that you are exactly like yer father?" His tone was marked by disbelief and amusement.

James' eyes were shocked. "How d'you know my name?"

"It's on yer trunk, Potter. I'm not blind, you know." Severus appreciated the confusion and embarrassment that was clearly visible on Potter's face. Even if the boy did nothing more than try to insult him.

The windows of the train darkened as they got closer to Hogwarts, and the Prefects could be heard knocking on the doors of the compartment, informing the students that it was almost time for them to all change into their robes.

"Hmmm ... Snape is not a magical name, is it?" James Potter asked although it was more of a statement.

Severus looked directly at Potter and was delighted when he saw the look of the latter wavering under the intensity of his. "Don't tell me you care if I am a half-blood? A Muggle-born?

It was James Potter's turn to blush. Black watched the conversation between Potter and Severus, through the compartment window. "No. I was just wondering, and in truth, I do not care if you are or are not Muggle-born."

"Maybe it would ease yer curiosity if I told you I'm the son of Eileen Prince," Severus explained.

At this name, Black turned his head, as if the conversation had become interesting enough to warrant his attention and involvement.

Lily glanced at her friend, wanting to say, "What's with that?" He shrugged and shook his head.

"Your mother is Eileen Prince? Black asked carefully.

Severus nodded in affirmation, but before Black could continue his sentence. The train slows down and a voice sounds outside, along the Hogsmeade station. Lily got up, opened the compartment door, grabbed Sev's hand and pulled him with the swarm of the other first years onto the platform. If she had not grabbed his hand, she would have lost him in the crowd.

"Firs'-years!" the Gatekeeper called. "Firs'-years, over 'ere!"

Severus made sure Lily stayed next to him as they made their way towards Hagrid.

 ** _And I'll make a wish_  **  
**_Take a chance_  **  
**_Make a change_  **  
**_And breakaway_ **

The first-years faced the tables of the four houses under the candles and the eyes of the other students. The Deputy Headmistress, Professor McGonagall, unrolling a scroll, began to call students.

Lily's name was called: "Evans, Lily!"

"You know, Ravenclaw would suit you perfectly. Ambition, knowledge and all that," Lily explained quietly to him, before making her way onto the platform. "You are one of the smartest lads I know. "

"Hmmm. "

He watched Lily walk, visibly nervous, and take her seat the stool. Professor McGonagall placed the hat on her head, and barely a second after touching her auburn hair, the hat cried, "Gryffindor!"

Severus let out a small groan. Lily removed the hat, handed it to Professor McGonagall, then rushed to the applauding Gryffindors, then turned to him, giving him a small, sad, smile. Sirius Black moved over slightly to make room for her. She looked at him, seemed to recognise him from the train, crossed her arms and turned firmly. She glanced back over at Severus.

The sorting continued. Severus watched Lupin, Pettigrew, and Potter join Lily and Black at the Gryffindor table. When finally there were only a dozen students or so remaining to be sorted, it was Severus' turn.

He walked up, feeling slightly anxious. All the while, Lily's words played in his mind.

Then, firmly seated on the stool, the hat was placed on his head.

"My, dear," said a voice inside his head. "You are quite the challenge, aren't you?"

"Can you hear me?" Severus asked inside his head.

"Of course," answered the hat. "Now where to put you? You have a good mind and a thirst to prove yourself. Slytherin would help you on the path to greatness." The hate paused. "You have doubts? There is a fine line between Ravenclaw and Slytherin. Your friend is right; you would do well there too."

"What do you mean?" Severus asked. Ignoring all eyes on him.

"It depends on how you use your ambition and your knowledge," the Sorting Hat explained. "I must say that I rarely get that many questions. Your friend, herself, had some."

"Lily?" Severus asked. Slytherin and Gryffindor are rivals, are not they? Is she worried? The hat gave its version of a smile.

"RAVENCLAW!" And with that, Severus Snape found himself seated at the Ravenclaw table, away from Lily, where the table was applauding him and a sixth year, with a shiny prefect badge on her chest, patted his back as he sat down at the table next to her.

**_Out of the darkness and into the sun_ **

He did his best to hide his grimace from Lily, but he hated that damn tea shop owned by Madam Puddifoot. He and his dormmates often teased the poor blokes who ended up being dragged there during dates, and now it seemed that he was about to become one of those poor saps.

A bell announced their arrival by playing a tune that made Severus cringe, but the majority of people in there were loved up couples who didn't even turn their heads towards the noise. Madam Puddifoot greeted them with a warm smile. "Hello, dears, do sit down and I'll be with you in a moment."

The shop was filled with couples, all holding hands. At first glance, it seemed that they had just missed Frank and Alice, who must have decided to visit some of the other shops.

They gingerly squeezed their way through to an out-of-the-way table in the corner away from the windows. Casting a quick glance around the cramped, small, room, he saw that the round, tables were decorated with lacy napkins and all had china sugar bowls placed in the middle.

"it's rather tacky and frilly in here, isn't it?" said Lily, amused.

"In a notable fashion," said Severus, rolling his eyes.

On the whole, the place was as twee as you could get. He pushed that thought aside though, determined to enjoy his first real date with Lily.

"What can I get you, m'dears?" said Madam Puddifoot, a very stout woman with a shiny black bun, squeezing between their table and Marcus Prewett's with great difficulty.

"I'll have an espresso. What would you like, Sev?" Lily asked.

He fixed his gaze on the stout woman in front of him and replied in his usual drawl. "Make that two espressos, please, Ma'am."

In the time it took for their coffees to arrive, Marcus Prewett and his girlfriend had started kissing over their sugar bowl. Severus wished they wouldn't; he felt his face growing hot.

"Do you remember the day we met?" asked Lily.

"The day I called you a witch, and you ran off mortified?" said Severus, bemused.

"Yes," chortled Lily. "You were so enthusiastic and hopeful, too."

"I had been trying to work up the nerve for a while." He snorted. "Things worked out alright though." At this, Severus grinned at Lily.

"I'll say so," she said. "I was terrified for weeks after that one day though, when you told me about Azkaban and how we're not supposed to use magic outside of school."

"It was pretty amusing," teased Severus. "You were so sincere about it too."

"You can tell a good story when you want to," said Lily. "You told that one a little too well."

"Mmm, perhaps," said Severus.

**_But I won't forget all the ones that I love_ **

Severus got up at seven in the morning. He took a shower and dressed in his standard black jeans, a green t-shirt and trainers. He grabbed a light jacket out of the closet and left his room. He went down to his parents' room and knocked on the door. Alice opened the door and Severus was shocked to see that she was wearing a khaki-coloured skirt, a topstitching blouse, and wearing sandals on her feet. She also wore a matching jacket over her arm.

"Well, Sev, judging by the look on your face, someone would think I had another head," she joked.

"That's not it, Mum," he said. "I mean, you look brilliant! IT's just.. you just never wear skirts!"

"Well, Violet and I went shopping for this weekend and she told me about buying it," Alice said. "I thought I'd dress up today for the big day, hmm?" She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

"Mum! he exclaimed with a false moan. "I'm thirteen!"

"Oh, poor bonny lad," Alice smiled, putting her arm around her son. "You'll survive."

Alexander was waiting for them in the living room. He too was dressed in dark blue pants with what looked like a light blue shirt with a dark blue sports jacket. He smiled and looked at Alice's outfit with appreciation. "You look quite lovely today, hinny."

"Thanks, love, and you don't look too bad yourself."

"So I do look alright then?" Alexander asked with slight concern. "I just went into a menswear store and let the store clerk take over."

"You look like a college professor, Da!" he goaded. "You just need a pipe now. "

"Well, I hope I look half as good as Hal then," the older man said in jest. "And you, Sev, you look like a right proper geordie lad!"

Severus looked up.

"By the way, I take it the Evanses haven't arrived yet?" Severus asked though it was more of a statement than a question.

"I'm sure they'll be here soon," said Alice.

After all, today was a very important day.

 ** _I'll take a risk_  **  
**_Take a chance_  **  
**_Make a change_  **  
**_And breakaway_ **

That night, hours after the official presentation of the adoption papers, they held a family ceremony. A small group of friends and family met, and the adoption was affirmed in front of a very small group of friends. The brief ceremony was very emotional, woven with rather beautiful moments: the words of a pastor, a writing, a song, an anointing, a prayer and an alliance.

Alice and Alexander looked at Severus and talked.

_"We are so happy that you are our son_

_We promise to do our best to be good parents_

_We will keep you safe and protect you_

_We will be there to listen to you_

_We will be there to guide you when life is difficult or confusing_

_We will encourage you and celebrate your victories_

_We will learn from God's love for his children,_

_and we will do our best to love you in the same way. "_

Severus, struggling to keep his emotions in check, looked at them and spoke.

_"I'm glad you're my mom and dad_

_I promise to always make the best of it_

_I promise to be always part of this family. "_

Alice wiped her eyes, but quickly joined her husband and son as they finished the vows.

_"We will always love and respect each other_

_We will laugh and have fun together_

_And when we are sad, we will be there for each other_

_Together, we will do our best to serve other people_

_And we will encourage each other to love God_

_We will be a family forever."_

Subsequently, Severus was bombarded with a sea of congratulations. When Lily finally got the chance, she threw her arms around him. Smiling widely.

"Severus Saxton, I'm so proud of you!"

While the dinner party continued all that Severus could think was:  _"It's funny how fast the night changes."_

 ** _Wanna feel the warm breeze_  **  
**_Sleep under a palm tree_  **  
**_Feel the rush of the ocean_  **  
**_Get onboard a fast train_  **  
**_Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)_  **  
**_And breakaway_ **

Their fifth-year passed quite quickly. For Severus and Lily, the most exciting event was the arrival of their O.W.L exam results midway through July. When the owl, and thus the marks, finally arrived, Severus took his letter to their and waited for Lily's appearance. As expected, ten minutes later, she came out of the bushes, a piece of parchment clinging to her hand.

"Did you get your results?" she asked eagerly.

"Aye."

"Well, how did you do then?"

"I have not opened them yet."

"Well, what are you waiting for?"

She watched as Severus slid a finger under the flap. He pulled out the letter and looked at the marks. He silently handed the piece of parchment to Lily. She looked at him curiously and dropped her eyes on the piece of paper in front of her.

"Sev, that's great!"

"I suppose."

"Do not tell me that you're upset about an Exceeds Expectations?"

"No." His tone was not convincing.

"Sev... you have eleven Outstandings!" Lily looked at him and burst out laughing. "You just have to be the best at everything, right?"

"And that's a bad thing?" Severus asked.

"No, it's a part of what makes you.. you!" she said, handing him the parchment.

"How did you do?" he asked.

"Pretty well, myself," said Lily. "I have nine Outstandings and two Exceeds Expectations."

"What did you get the Exceeds in?"

"Arithmancy and Defence."

"At least you didn't take Divination."

"No doubt," said Lily. "So, Mum and Dad are taking me out to celebrate, do you want to come?"

"I can't," he replied. "Mum is making a special supper."

"Before knowing your notes? Lily said, smiling. Things had truly changed for Severus. He had not been that scrawny, reserved, little boy she had met all those years ago ima very long time.

"She supposed they would be satisfactory," said Severus, oozing mirth.

"It's an easy assumption to make with you," Lily said, still smiling. "I have to run, but I'll see you soon. She nodded and left the way she had come.

 ** _Buildings with a hundred floors_  **  
**_Swinging around revolving doors_  **  
**_Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but_  **  
**_Gotta keep moving on, moving on_  **  
**_Fly away, breakaway_ **

He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned slightly to see Gregory Wilkes. "The Dark Lord is going to be at Malfoy Manor tonight and he wants you to join him. "

Severus shrugged Wilkes' shoulders and groaned, "Sod off, Wilkes. I am not interested. "

"The Dark Lord will win and if you're not on his side when he does, you die, Saxton. "

"Go share your dung with someone who actually gives a damn," he muttered. He turned around and rested his arms on his chest. He grinned. Wilkes was easy pickings. Too easy by far.

 **_I'll spread my wings_ **  
**_And I'll learn how to fly_  **  
**_Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye_  **  
**_I gotta take a risk_  **  
_**Take a chance**  _  
_**Make a change**  _  
**_And breakaway_ **

When Graduation day finally arrived, it seemed to take everyone by surprise. For Severus, it seemed like a kind of haze - packing, completing his final head duties to get ready for graduation, and going back through his notes - had fallen on him. When he awoke from this state of lethargy, he was somehow sitting outside with the rest of the graduating class of 1978. He was wearing his full Hogwarts uniform for what would undoubtedly be the very last time. The families of the graduating students sat directly on the podium, and as Head Boy, he had a front-row seat next to Lily. He gently took her hand at the beginning of the ceremony and tightened it to reassure her. But she did not need it: Lily felt only accomplishment, gratitude and pride while surrounded by friends and family.

Right now, a Ministry wizard was making a speech about the importance of education and how wonderful it was for them to have come so far, but not even Dumbledore seemed to be paying it too much mind. Still, everything was going quite smoothly.

Finally, the Ministry wizard finished and Professor Dumbledore took his place on the front of the lot. Severus' eyes scanned the crowd some. He could see his parents sitting right next to the Evans family. Sitting next to Lily's older sister, Petunia, was Euphemia Potter, James Potter's mother. He did not see Orion and Walburga Black anywhere; Not altogether surprising, given the Black family history.

Severus did not particularly like Sirius Black, but it seemed rather harsh. The whole situation with Eileen Prince née Snape momentarily running through his mind.

Severus' attention was finally shifted back to the director when he announced, "This year, I also have special awards that I have to distribute in front of the degrees. With that, I hope you all bear with me one more moment. "

There was a little bit of excited murmur before everyone else calmed.

Dumbledore took out a roll with a red ribbon. He looked very happy. "Our first prize, the Dorea Goshawk Award for Excellence in Charms, is presented this year to Miss Lily Marie Evans a proud member of Gryffindor. Miss Evans has also served as our Head Girl this year. There was much applause as Lily walked to the stage

Severus watched as Lily made her way up to the podium to receive her award. She was, as always, stunning. Her deep auburn hair shone in the sunlight, and he knew that her green and emerald eyes would be lit with the same delighted awe they had shown the first time she had seen Hogwarts. As she accepted the award from Dumbledore and shook his hand, something on her left hand caught the light, shining. Severus smiled. It was her engagement ring. He still could not believe she had said yes. He had asked for her hand three weeks ago, during their last Hogsmeade weekend.

He had planned that particular date for some time before it actually happened. He had never been so nervous in his life.

"Yes, very well deserved. Well done. Now our next award is the Herbert Beery Award for Excellency in Herbology. I'm proud to say that this year it goes to Miss Alice Abigail Fortescue, also of Gryffindor House. Alice was a modest girl with short, curly hair, a long face and blue eyes. She was hired to Frank Longbottom who had already graduated and was her second year at the Auror Academy. She was also one of Lily's best friends. She accepted Dumbledore's prize and slowly returned to her seat amidst applause.

"Quiet, please," Dumbledore asked. "The next award is the Arsenius Jigger Award for Excellence in Defense Against the Dark Arts. This year, it is awarded to Mr Severus Tobias Saxton, a proud member of Ravenclaw House. He also served as our Head Boy this year."

"Well, that's hardly a surprise, is it?" Severus heard a few people around him say, others muttering in agreement.

Severus got up, feeling quite proud, and accepted the award. The applause started again.

"Yes, yes," said Dumbledore. "Well done. Now, the next award is the Emeric Switch Award for Excellence in Transfiguration. This award goes to Alexis Turpin, also from Ravenclaw House."

Severus watched as the short-haired girl made her way to accept her award.

Dumbledore spoke again. "Finally, I have two other prestigious awards to give. They are the Nicolas Flamel Award for Excellence in Potions and the Bridget Wenlock Award for Excellency in Arithmancy. The Flamel was last awarded in 1964 and the Wenlock Prize in 1972. This year, I have the extreme honour of awarding both to Mr Severus Saxton of Ravenclaw House."

There was a huge round of applause.

Severus got up and walked to the stage, accepted the two rolls tied with blue ribbons, shook Dumbledore's hand and returned to his seat, trying to ignore the embarrassing antics of his parents and the Evanses. He could literally feel the colour rushing to his face.

It was not much longer before Dumbledore started distributing diplomas. One by one, the students made their way up, graduated, and shook all the hands of all the Heads of Houses. After the Headmaster handed over the final one, he said, "I wish the class of 1978 the best of luck, wherever your paths may take you. Congratulations to all of you."

And with that, the graduated class marched towards the black lake, where they were, once again, going to take a boat across the lake. Everything had come full circle. Despite the war outside, he could not have been happier. The war outside would rage on, but he would never be alone.

**_Out of the darkness and into the sun_ **

**_But I won't forget the place I come from_ **

**_I gotta take a risk_ **

**_Take a chance_ **

**_Make a change_ **

**_And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway_ **

* * *

"My birth mother brought me into this world, but it was my adoptive parents who gave me life."

**– Christina Romo**


End file.
